Flashbacks...New and Improved!

And with breathing problems! Oh, such fun(!)

I have never had a flashback that's resulted in a hospital visit, or if I have, I don't remember it. That is, until now.

Annoyingly, I've got the usual memory gaps. So I'll have to piece it all together and try to recreate everything.

I know I started off at home, late in the evening. January. It was dark.
What I don't know is what I was doing, or what could possibly have triggered the flash.
I do remember phoning my friend, hardly able to talk, asking for a ride to the hospital. I couldn't breathe. Just couldn't breathe. Now that's new. Breathing.

Flash to being in the car with my friend; "You're just having a panic attack, you'll be fine." says the girlfriend.

Yeah, that would be nice, thinks I. In a minute I won't know who you are love. And I will be angry, for no reason at all. Hows about keeping your mouth shut and just letting my friend do the talking. Because if I don't know who you are, I'm liable to start throwing punches, and that's not going to end well. He knows how to handle these.

"Hows the bike?" says my friend.

Thank you. Thank you so much. I can think for a moment.


See, that's the thing. The Bike. She wasn't there all those years ago. It's a link, a memory trigger. Something that can bring me back. It usually works. It doesn't last, mind. As soon as the thought is gone, so am I. Back in the past, wondering where I am and how I got there.


And now, I'm in a hospital waiting room. And things are starting to make sense again. Slowly, but surely. But the breathing, that's still a problem. I still can't breathe. The flashback has gone, the memory gaps are starting to form. I'll never remember everything, that's how it works. Not really a bad thing I suppose. I don't want those memories. But I'm thankful. I don't want to explain my drug history to a Doctor, that is far too terrifying. It's just the breathing.

And the Doc says that's purely down to smoking. I'm given an inhaler and sent on my way. It works. I can deal.


The breathing difficulties are likely to be pretty permanent, although they should improve over time. But I can live with that.

Breathing, memory loss and flashbacks. Small prices to pay for still being alive, if you want my opinion.



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Addendum;
This part is all just theory, realistically. I can't say I have any idea what came first, breathing or flashback. They're related but not connected I should think. I suspect I started to struggle to breathe, thanks to smoking, and that triggered the flash. But I can't be sure. I know most of my triggers and avoid them religiously, but every now and again I'm still caught out. Just suppose I've got to wait until next year to see if they now come as a package or not.

8Years On...

Or is it?

Truth be told, I've lost count. I think that's a good sign. This is just me now. It's just the way I am. Not something I have to fight to be.

Some things haven't changed. Motorcycles still saved my life. And they carry on saving it every day. The flashbacks are still happening, but they're getting easier. I've only had one big one this year. One! That's pretty amazing. It did put me in hospital though, which was horrible.

The memory loss is still there, and the confusion.

I found out that one of my friends is still alive. And starting a family! I'd heard they didn't survive, turns out they were just in prison. I still don't know what for mind, but alive! I cried when I heard.

I also drank a bottle of whiskey this year.

And thankfully, I hated it. Game Over. Not an experiment I care to repeat.

I'm never going back. I know that. I'm fighting with the temptation every day, and I know I will for the rest of my life, but it's not a fair fight. I've already won.


There really is one thought, one completely bulletproof mantra, that keeps me going. I know, if I went back, one thing would lead to another and I'll get myself all dead. And that thought, that lifesaving thought, is pretty simple really;

If I'm dead, who will ride my bike?