Memories - Almost Rape

This is very hard to write about, but I think it's very important, so I'm going to try. I've put the title as Almost Rape, because that's what it was as far as I know, Almost.
This still affects me now, in a very big way. I know nothing about real rape, or what it does to a person, I can't comment on that. But I can tell you about the harrowing experience I had.
It was all down to bloody drugs. And I am so angry about that. If I had been sober, it never would have happened.
Now, I know a lot of this will be very vague, but I have enormous blanks. It's almost as if my mind knows something momentous occurred, so it tries to hold on to that part because it seems important, but can't because it's just not a memory I want. The whole thing is foggy anyway because of the drugs. At the time I tried to forget the whole lot, at the time I just couldn't think of it. I still can't think of it fully, but at least now I can try. I'm sober now.
To tell you the truth, a lot of what happened has only come back to me recently, and it happened about 5 years ago. The effects have always been with me, but I never could understand what caused them. Now I do. I'm truly not sure what's worse.

I'll try to reconstruct the evening for you.
I was out at a house party with a couple of friends I knew, otherwise I knew no one else. There were a lot of people there, all around the same sort of age, Teenagers. I don't remember arriving. I remember pictures, just scenes. Not much conversation. I remember the image of a hallway in a normal semi-detached house. The carpet was cream. The wallpaper had red wine spilt on it. A girl was sitting on a chair, head back, mouth open, a guy pouring whiskey down her throat. Laughing, they were all laughing.
I remember rolling up in the kitchen, next to a wasted girl trying to make rice pudding from rice and water. I vaguely remember smoking weed in the garden. I remember that I did it, I don't remember what I saw, whether it was a big or a small garden for example.
I remember a bottle of Congnac. Clearly. I remember the shape of the bottle, and the feel of it. It felt old. I remember liking the taste. I drank it from the bottle. I have not drunk Cognac since. I remember very little else.
The mixture of alcohol and weed knocked me out. At the time, I suspected being spiked. But alcohol and weed had the same effect on me on other occasions afterwards, occasions when I clearly wasn't spiked. I know now that the combination can prove to be pretty strong when you smoke and drink enough together. I've gotta be honest, I really don't recommend it. If nothing else, it usually makes you sick!
I remember the party starting to wind down. We couldn't get home, we were miles away. I really don't know where. I remember deciding to share a double bed with my friends. We were wasted, we passed out. Three drunk and stoned mates, happily snoring away together.

I don't remember him coming into the room, I do remember he was not very old, not much older than me. I don't remember him being at the party earlier in the night. I don't know what he looked like other than he was shorter and bigger than my friend, who was fast asleep.
I remember his hands. I remember pushing him off me and telling him I was sleeping, go away. My friends were out for the count, happily snoring away, like I said.
I remember he ignored me. And I remember his hands. I remember I could not stay awake, no matter how hard I tried, I was more than tired. I remember his hands. I passed out and could do nothing. My friends couldn't help me, they didn't know anything was happening.

I cannot remember anything else. I do not know what happened. In the morning he was gone.

5 years later, I still do not know what happened to me. And I Never Will.

And that is very scary. It's not just the part which I do know happened, it's the possibility of what else happened. It's the knowledge that I was wasted and completely powerless to do anything about him, I couldn't stop him. Not only could I not stop him, I couldn't even know what he really did to me. And I still can't. No one knew who he was.

What I do know, is that for years I have been very nervous of anyone being near me when I'm sleeping. If someone touches me in my sleep, I am terrified. Even if it's just a mate trying to wake me up. I could never understand why. Now I know.
The feeling is horrible. Think about eating maggots, imagine how crunchy they are, imagine a few are a bit mouldy. Imagine some of the live ones are super fast, and have jumped out of the bowl and are crawling all over your arms, wriggling and writhing. That feeling you've got now? That's how I feel every time I think about it.

And people say Cannabis is harmless because it's herbal. Bullshit. You don't live with my memories guys.

Cannabis can be just as dangerous as the harder drugs if you're not in a safe environment. Add to that the fact that when you're stoned, you find it very hard to judge what is a safe environment and what's not. Add a bit of booze into the mix and the results can be devastating.