In the summer when I had just turned 14 my mate invited me out to the park on a Saturday afternoon. To watch the lads skateboarding and just generally relax in the sun.
My mate had some weed.
He asked if I wanted some. I wanted to know what it was like, so I tried it.
I already drank and smoked, that started a few months earlier.
Now I smoked weed.
It was a bit weird, I remember it made me feel dizzy. I remember sitting on a swing in the park wondering if making you dizzy was all drugs did. I don't remember the rest of the day. At all.
It didn't take long for me to be smoking weed every weekend. And it didn't take long for me to start dealing it to help pay for what I wanted to smoke.
I had just turned 15 when I was arrested for Drug Dealing. I got off with a Reprimand because of my age. I was lucky.
I was smoking weed laced with coke by the next week. It was okay, because it was "still just weed really".
Not long after I was arrested, I tried some other drugs on their own. In all honesty, I can't remember all of them. I do remember taking Vodka to school. Consequently, I don't remember much of school
I remember taking Valium and Temazipam in Camden Market. It was rubbish. Didn't do anything at all. Never bothered with them again.
I remember my first pill. Boy do I remember my first pill. I was 15 and I'd just started going raving. Illegal squat parties. We had a mate who ran them, so it felt "safe". I remember being drunk. I clearly remember how happy the girl who gave me the pill was. I also remember thinking "your first pill either kills you, or gives you a wicked night". If I was sober, I reckon things could well have been different, but I cant possibly guess how different.
I had a wicked night.
I had a shitty next day. I punched one of my friends. I don't even remember doing it.
I started taking pills every weekend. Still smoking weed and drinking as well. I rarely made it to school on a monday, or if I did, I went straight to the medical room to "sleep the weekend off".
Around about the time I hit 16 I started taking Ketamine. Some weekends I was still on the pills, some I was on the Ketamine. Some weekdays I was on the pills too. And some I was on the Ketamine. My current boyfriend recently pointed out to me that I have one nostril bigger than the other. He notices odd things like that. You sniff Ketamine. And I always sniffed it through the same nostril. It's my right one.
Then I discovered Speed. Only did it a few times, it was hard to get hold of. And the buzz didn't last long enough.
I remember one rave where the pills weren't just Ecstasy. There was Acid in them too. I remember my friend walking on the roof of a high rise building, looking over the edge and wondering if she would fly if she jumped.
Yes, that shit really happens.
She didn't jump. She lived. But two of my friends from that night are dead now.
When I was 16, I discovered magic mushrooms.
I remember eating them at Reading Festival, and not a lot happened. I also remember having them one night at a friends party. I remember seeing things which were coming to kill me. I remember seeing the ceiling moving and closing in on me. I remember seeing the walls moving towards me.
Yes. That shit really happens too.
I remember being frightened. I remember nothing else.
I remember the pill that nearly killed me.
It was pure MDMA, and I double dropped. I took two at once. I thought I was dead. I knew I was dead. I tried to lie down and be dead quietly. I had a deja vu. And I had a vision that when you're dead, you live the night of your death over and over, and that is what death is. I was sure the pills had finally killed me. I kept telling people I was dead. I told them I knew I was dead because I'd seen them before.
My friend held my hand. All night. From 12pm until 7am, she would not let me go. And I truly believe that if she hadn't done that, I would not be sitting here writing this blog. I would be lying in a ditch near a warehouse in the east end of London somewhere. Dead.
It didn't stop me. I carried on until I was 18.
When I was 18 I got a motorcycle. And my life changed forever. You can't do drugs and ride a bike. You'll kill yourself. It's not a risk, it's a foregone conclusion. And even a drug addict like me knew it. I knew I had a choice, the drugs or the bike.
I chose the Bike.
So I had to give up the drugs.
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My History - Getting off Drugs
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